Reality Can Be a Bitch

I wanted to write this sooner. The truth is, I couldn’t. I needed time to process. Even now, my thoughts are a jumbled mess. This may not be coherent. It won’t be funny. It will be real. Still with me? Ok, here goes…

Last Wednesday, our church had the HONOR of hosting a Gratitude Meeting to celebrate the one year anniversary of the NA group blessing us with their presence. There was pizza, chips, dips, fruit and veggie trays, cookies and cake. We had coffee and soft drinks. We even broke out our prized possession, the popcorn machine. For about an hour, we ate, and laughed, and caught up with some folks we hadn’t seen in a while. When the meeting began, my sister, the Pastor, and I listened as each person took their turn to speak.

One after another, they expressed their thankfulness for the fellowship of NA. No matter the circumstances, everyone is welcomed into the meeting week after week. Hugs are as abundant as coffee in these rooms. They spoke of appreciation for the simple things, the things we non-addicts often not only take for granted but complain about, like having a job, or a car, or even a place to call home. Many of them thanked us for opening our doors to them and allowing them to gather in the middle of a pandemic when places to meet were hard to come by. They recalled the first few weeks, when we sat silently in the other room, and then thanked us for joining them when they invited us it. It was so humbling, such an emotional night for me. I personally have been blessed beyond measure by simply being a part of this amazing fellowship. The most used phrase of the evening was “Gratitude is an action word.” It isn’t enough to simply say you’re grateful, you have to find ways to express that gratitude by doing something. Actions speak louder than words.

It was an amazing night, and I was sad to see it come to an end. As we cleaned up, the conversations continued. My heart swelled. These people I’ve come to know are more than just addicts that come to meetings at our church. They are people I consider friends. They are people I look up to and respect. I admire their strength and determination to overcome their addiction and find a better way to live. Often, I’m even jealous of the blessings I see in their lives. They truly are some of the most amazing people I know.

Remember I said reality can be a bitch? Friday morning, I got a text message that I was not at all prepared to read. One of our friends, a person who had been there on Wednesday, whom I’d had a conversation with, had overdosed and died. That’s the cruel reality that addicts live with and must battle every single day. It doesn’t matter if you’ve been clean for 30 days or 30 years. These damn demons don’t give up. My heart shattered when I read that text 💔. Now, this was someone I’d only known for about a month. It hit me so hard. I was at work, and I found myself unable to concentrate on anything. I felt sick to my stomach. I couldn’t wrap my head around it. I still can’t.

There are addicts and alcoholics in my circle of friends and family. They’ve had struggles, some terrible times for sure, but thank God they’re still here with us. I read the paper, watch the news, see things posted on social media. I know the reality of the disease of addiction. But this, this one knocked me on my ass. This one isn’t just a name and a picture that flashed before me. This is someone I knew, someone I’d hugged and prayed for. This fucking sucks.

I’m 42 years old. I’m still not sure what my purpose is in life. I don’t feel like I’ve found my calling. I have no idea what I want to be when I grow up. All I know is that I am blessed to have the opportunity. I hope that I can continue to learn from my friends in NA. I pray that God will continue to work not only in my life but in theirs. I will do whatever I can to help anyone who needs it, because I know what it feels like to just need a little love in your life. I’m not perfect. I may not always say or do the right thing, but I promise I will spend every day trying to be better. Better for myself, better for my kids, better for my family, and better for anyone who may come into my life. If NA has taught me anything, it’s that we are all a work in process. There is always room for growth. All we have is right now. Just for today. ❤️