The Madness of March

It’s 10pm on a Friday night, and I’m sitting in my office just staring at a blank screen. Ok, I was just staring. Obviously I’ve started typing. There are too many jumbled thoughts just swishing around in my brain to not find some way to let them out, to make sense of the madness. I’ve got a waste basket full of crumpled loose-leaf paper covered in lists and calculations. None of it makes any sense to me anymore, hence the overflowing can at my feet. I’m not altogether certain that this will be coherent either, but lemme give it a whirly-go.

We’re nearly a quarter of the way through 2023, and I’m fairly certain that the only thing that’s gone according to plan was my trip to the midwest last weekend to visit my daughter. I stopped making New Year’s resolutions quite a few years back. Do people ever actually keep their resolutions? I know I rarely have. Instead, I simply map out in my head what I’d like the upcoming year to look like. I keep this information to myself. That way, if I fail, I haven’t let anyone else down in the process. Probably not the most effective method. It seems with no accountability, I have no determination to make any of those visions a reality.

Depression and anxiety play a role too. Living with both is a constant internal battle that’s often fought alone. Society is making strides toward understanding mental health issues, but it’s still pretty unfathomable that someone who seems to have it together really might not. I was 38 years old before I started seeing a therapist, before I asked my doctor about medication, before I was frustrated enough to even mention the way I was feeling to anyone really. “What do you have to be depressed about?” “You have absolutely no reason to feel that way.” “I can’t believe you’re trying to use depression as an excuse to be lazy.” These are things that people have actually said to me. Can you imagine? If someone had a broken leg, no one would question them needing crutches just because their other body parts seemed to be working just fine. Having a job, a car, a place to live…none of those things negate the possibility of depression. “It’s not that bad. Everything will be fine.” I hate hearing that just as much.

Let’s take this one step at a time. I have a place to live. I have food to eat, a warm bed to sleep in, clothes to wear, electricity, and indoor plumbing. The fact that those simple things we often take for granted make us richer than 95% of the world isn’t lost on me. So what’s the PROBLEM then? It’s not my house. My name isn’t on the deed. The mortgage isn’t in my name. Yes, I can come and go as I please, but living in someone else’s house means living under someone else’s rules. That simple fact can indeed conjure feelings of depression, failure, longing, jealousy…among other things. I’m 43 years old. I want a dog. I’m not allowed to have a dog.

I have a job. It’s a full time job with decent pay. I work in a safe environment with minimal risk. For the most part, it pays the bills. So what’s the PROBLEM here? Lack of respect from co-workers. Managers who think that because they have a “higher title,” they are somehow entitled to treat others without that title as less than or unimportant. Not being able to do my job because those same “managers” haven’t bothered to do theirs. Being told that I don’t deserve a raise EVER. How disheartening to know that you give your all to your job, and you’re damn good at it, but because you don’t make money for the company, you don’t matter. Did I mention that literally NO ONE else in the building can do my job? No one knows how. Not even my boss. But I’m somehow undeserving of respect and a decent living wage.

There’s a 2019 Subaru Impreza Sport in the driveway with my name on the owner’s card. It’s a car I picked out and purchased. I can get in it any time I want, and drive to wherever I want. I don’t have to beg for rides, order an Uber, or wait on a bus. This is a privilege I promise you I NEVER take for granted. The PROBLEM? Car payments, insurance, gas, maintenance, etc. These are things that can be a source of anxiety and stress. Yes, it’s fairly new and is in good shape, but 18inch tires are expensive when all four need replaced at once. And when your husband’s 2016 Impreza with 17inch wheels needs four new tires at the same time…eeesh!

I have two amazing adult children. I am over-the-moon proud of them. God blessed me and made my dreams of being a mom come true in the absolute best way when He sent me twins. Every day has been a gift just being their mom. The PROBLEM? Wanting to do whatever I possibly can to make sure they have the best lives possible, but feeling like I’m failing them by not being able to do enough. That’s depression and anxiety for ya in a nutshell. They tell me that I’m a great mom. I still feel like I’m falling short of what they deserve.

My family is the absolute greatest. I have the most loving parents and the best sister anyone could ask for. They love me unconditionally and are always there when I need them. So what’s the PROBLEM? Feeling like I am a constant burden or a source of disappointment. I know I’m not, but that doesn’t stop my brain from overthinking and overreacting.

See, your station in life doesn’t matter when it comes to mental health issues. They can affect anyone at any time. No one is “safe” from these demons. Some may be better equipped than others at fighting them, but I promise you this…we are all fighting our own battles at any given time.

Does any of this rambling even make sense? It’s Sunday night, almost 9pm, and my brain is still going a million different directions. I had a busy weekend. So busy that I didn’t even have time to finish this insane mumble-jumble of a blog. Some very good things happened this weekend. I got caught up on some work after my time away. A friend that I first met in my art class freshman year of high school just happened to walk in to the club and sit down. I can’t even tell you how great it felt to just catch up. She’s amazing, also raising some amazing young adults of her own. And I can’t even tell you how positive and encouraging she was throughout our entire conversation. I needed that. I spent time with my parents, my sister, and a dear friend who’s become family over the years. I needed that too. Then our church hosted a very successful Taco Night fundraiser for a young girl who’s been bravely battling cancer. Did I mention that all took place on Saturday? Today was busy too. My sister and I drive into the city to attend worship at our former pastor’s new church. My spirit desperately needed to feel God’s love, and standing there listening to the benediction, I felt that love rushing over me. I am so thankful for moments like that. They keep me trudging on when I feel like I couldn’t possibly keep going. Then there was some much needed retail therapy, some pizza, and an evening of laundry and paying bills.

I told you at the beginning that this was madness. I feel like the Mad Hatter. “Have I gone mad?” “I’m afraid so,” said Alice. “You’re entirely bonkers. But I’ll tell you a secret…All the best people are!” Embrace the madness with me, and let’s keep going. We can do this. If you made it to the end, thanks for listening. Sometimes, I just need to feel heard.