The Different Same

My pastor once said, “Two things can be true at once.” Well, life is different since my mom passed away. But, it’s also the same. And it’s strange. And confusing.

I miss my mom, every single second of every single day. Something happens, good or bad, and my first thought is still to call and tell her. I’ve tried. She doesn’t answer. Well, Verizon shut her phone off, so I guess technically she CAN’T answer. It’d be cool if she did! The truth though, is I know what she’d say anyway. Mom never wanted to be predictable, but when it came to her morals, she was. She’s been the voice in my head for decades. Very rarely did she ever surprise me in that respect. Whatever I heard in my head mimicked what she spoke in her “out loud voice.”

My basic routine hasn’t changed. Work is the same, but mom’s not here to listen to me bitch about it. Every Wednesday night, I still go to the same NA meeting. Mom’s not here for me to tell her what I learned. Sunday morning, I still go to church. Mom’s not here to give me her “Jesus money.” I still go to the club and have a drink or two with my dad and sister. Mom’s not here to hold dad’s winnings. Things are different, but the same.

It’s hard to believe it’s been almost four months since she left us. I still call it Granny’s house. Her desk is mostly just the way she left it. Her clothes are still hanging on the closet door. It’s still mom’s chair on the front porch. I still feed her birds every morning. I’ve stopped looking for her cannula when I walk up the basement steps. I don’t walk downstairs to check on her before I get a shower in the morning. I don’t have to buy vanilla pudding every time I stop at the store. I wish I did.

Facebook is great at reminding me of things I’ll never forget. This week is rough, because two years ago we were all on the beach in Florida together. That was the beginning of the end. I am forever grateful for the memories we made, but it’s bittersweet now. That was our last family vacation. When we got back, she told me that she was glad she went. That was also the first time she told me that if she woke up dead, I should take comfort in the fact that she felt she’d led a good life. I do, but that doesn’t make the hurt any less.

I’m rambling. That’s what happens when I’m left alone with my thoughts. Also, this is #6 for those of you keeping track. This is what happens when I’m stuck at work but the computer system is down. Gotta do something to pass the time! I hope you all have a great day. I’m gonna go back to twiddling my thumbs now 🤣