I Has the SAD

You’ve seen those pictures on social media…a non-descript figure, a frowning emoji, or my favorite, a kitten with the caption “I has the sad.” Sure, the grammar is poor, but the sentiment is relatable. That’s how I’m feeling this morning. I has the sad. If we’re being honest, I has ALL the sads.

Let’s start with the big sad. The sad that’s been hanging over my head for the last two years. I miss my mom. Every single day since she went home to Glory, I have longed for just five more minutes with her. One more hug. One more “I love you more.” More guidance. More advice. More insight. More understanding. She was my best friend, and the hole that her passing left in my heart will never be filled. Then there’s the other big sad. The one where my kids became adults and moved out. The house feels empty at times, even though it rarely is. I miss the mornings where they’d wake me up because they wanted French toast for breakfast. I even miss hearing them argue over who did or didn’t do something. After being “Mom” for the better part of two decades, just being “me” is an adjustment.

Then there’s the small sad. The little things that don’t bring tears to my eyes but still tug on my emotions. I’m losing weight. That’s a good thing. But in the process, some of my favorite clothes are now too big. I can’t put them on without looking like I’m wearing my big sister’s clothes. Yes I know, I don’t have a big sister. That’s the issue. Oh, and let’s not forget that every single night, I want a Blizzard from DQ. I might get one once every couple of months, but I miss the days where I’d just jump in the car and go get one whenever I got the craving. In hindsight, I’m sure that contributed to me needing to lose weight. Vicious circle, I tell you.

What about the light sprinkling of sad? Yep, there’s that too. A song will come on the playlist that instantly transports me back to a memory from the past. Good or bad, it doesn’t matter. The nostalgia is real. Missing the simpler days. I’ll come across photos from situations I thought would last forever that now I know will never happen again. I reminisce, and then I run through a whole gambit of emotions which leaves me feeling emotionally drained at the end of memory lane.

Weekends aren’t long enough. It’s Saturday morning as I’m writing this, and I’m already disappointed that it will be Monday before I know it. That’s the rising sad. It starts off as something so seemingly insignificant and then it spirals out of control. It’s the kind of sad that catches you off guard because you think its something that won’t affect you. Another example is the “we need to talk.” Unless that’s followed by an immediate conversation, my brain will instantly run through no less than a thousand different horrible, awful scenarios and I’m left an emotionally drained mess. Ugh.

Not that I particularly care for any of the sads, but the sharp sad is probably my least favorite. It’s that out-of-nowhere, straight punch in the gut, knife through the heart kind of sad. Someone says or does something, and it’s instantly mood-crushing. Or in my case, someone doesn’t do something. The sharp sad gets me when I post something on social media, and the one person whose response I’m waiting for doesn’t even take the time to acknowledge it. Yes, I know, I could just say what needs to be said to that person. But, here’s the thing…sometimes I’m putting something out there because I need to do it for myself. A perfect example would be my previous post, “This is the Story of a Girl…Who is Not OK.” It was therapeutic for me to write that, and cathartic for me to share it with the world. (Or the handful of people who actually took the time to read it. If that’s you, thank you!) There were a few people who I anticipated very thoughtful and relevant responses from, and they just never came. That was a sharp sad. The feeling that while I value these people and their opinions, there’s no reciprocity on their part. Emotional triggers are also sharp sads. I’ll see someone out with their partner having the best time, or a post on social media about having been best friends since childhood. I’m happy for those people, I truly am, but there’s that tinge of longing for the things I don’t have.

That ties into the confusingly beautiful sad. My husband and I have been together for over a decade. We will celebrate our 8th wedding anniversary this year. I’m extremely grateful for that. At the same time, new relationships make me feel some kind of way. To be clear, it’s not a new relationship that I want. It’s a longing for the excitement that overwhelms when something new is starting. That honeymoon phase fades, life gets in the way, and things that made it so stimulating in the beginning often fall by the wayside. So again, happy for those experiencing it, a little sad, maybe even jealous because I’m not in that season of life myself. Then there’s something I touched on with the big sad. My “babies” aren’t babies anymore. They aren’t even kids. They’re full-grown adults out living their own lives. That in itself is a beautiful thing. I hope and pray that I’ve prepared them for whatever this world may throw at them. I will admit, though, that I low-key hate the fact that they get to make their own decisions and don’t need my permission or approval anymore. As a mother, I wanted nothing more for my children than for them to grow up healthy, happy, and live the lives they want. It stings when I realize that they’ve done just that, and I’m no longer in control. I can’t keep them under my wing. I have to let them fly and hope they know I’ll always be here for them, loving them unconditionally, and silently waiting for the moments where they still need me.

It’s about to get heavy. 🖤💛See what I did there, Helen? The heavy sad. For me, that’s the depression, lack of motivation, and chronic stress that I deal with every day. As I’ve said many times, I’ve been dealing with mental health issues for decades. My depression is probably the result of my low self-esteem. My low self-esteem is probably a direct result of spending four decades of my life overweight. I often feel like I am less-than, like I don’t deserve basic human needs like friendship, compassion, love. I often wonder what is wrong with me, why friends didn’t stick around, why men weren’t interested, why I was passed over for promotions, a whole myriad of things. I’ll spiral for hours, sometimes days, feeling like I’m just an awful person. That depression impacts my motivation. Maybe not so much my motivation, but my follow through. I often have the best of intentions, even the best laid plans, but they fizzle out like burned-up sparklers on the Fourth of July. And the stress. Oh the stress. I stress about everything all the time. I worry about the bills, the house, my kids, work, the neighbor down the street who hasn’t cleared off their car since it snowed two weeks ago, the current state of unrest in our country and the world. The list goes on and on.

SAD. Seasonal Affective Disorder. That’s a creeping sad. It starts in the fall when the daylight begins to fade, and it grows through the winter like weeds overtaking a garden. The older I get, the more I feel it. I understand why my Mom both loved and hated the winter months. As if the lack of sunlight wasn’t enough, we’ve been stuck in this bone-chilling cold for far too long. When I can feel my nose hairs freeze the moment I step outside, that’s where I draw the line. I love the snow. It can snow at 32°, it doesn’t have to be sub-zero. And just to be clear, I want snow for Christmas and my birthday. After that, it can go ahead and melt and warm up, just as long as it doesn’t rain. I absolutely hate winter rain. But I digress, as my sister often does. Being trapped inside limits the things I can do, and unfortunately for me that often means time spent doom-scrolling on Facebook, Instagram, and Tik Tok. Cue the circling back to the light sprinkling of sad. Old photos, distant memories, the good old days…then that feeling of isolation that comes with too much time spent indoors without interaction with other humans. Someone asked why I go to the club almost every day. It’s not for the alcohol, its for the conversations, the connections, the camaraderie.

We cannot forget about the sad on toast 😂 That’s the mindless munchies, the eating for comfort coping mechanism to combat all the other sads. The sad on toast is very detrimental to my current determination to lose weight, feel better, and be more active in my life. Granted, I’ve gotten better, and I reach for healthier options, but I still fall victim to the sad on toast, Then I get the small sad, the rising sad, the creeping sad, the heavy sad….

So yeah, I has the sad. All the sad. All the time. But I also have the belief that brighter days are coming and better moods and joyous occasions too. I’m looking forward to summer evenings on the porch, days by the pool, concerts, hiking, maybe even a trip to Nashville! The gloom can’t last forever, and honestly it just makes the bright days that much brighter.

Thanks for indulging me once again and reading all my ramblings. Oh, and lest I forget to mention…my daughter is amazing!