20/20. Perfect Vision. Hindsight.

Perfect vision, according to the professionals, is 20/20. Hindsight, according to the proverb, is also 20/20.

I’ve worn glasses since the third grade. I remember struggling to see the reading chart at the front of the class. A trip to the eye doctor confirmed my biggest fear…I needed glasses. I remember him telling me to only wear them when I was trying to see at a distance and to take them off when I was reading. Anyone else ever get that advice? Anyone ever listen?? Of course I didn’t! Who can be bothered to constantly put on and take off their glasses? In hindsight, I should have heeded that advice. Nowadays, without the aid of corrective lenses, I can’t see six inches in front of my face.

When I turned twenty-one, I thought that my newfound ability to drink somehow made me an adult. Funny how kids think that. My mom has always said that up until around our 25th birthday, we think we know it all. Then we suddenly wake up one morning and realize that we don’t know shit. She’s the smartest woman I know.

By the time I’d reached 25, I was not only convinced that I knew absolutely nothing about life, but I also believed that 30 would be the magical age where I’d finally be an “adult.” Think of it this way: you’re a teenager, then on your 18th birthday, you’re legally considered an adult. You’re probably still in high school at this point, still living at home, still relying on your parents to support you. Then you graduate. Maybe you go to college, but you’re still not really responsible for yourself. Maybe you enlist, well then Uncle Sam is in charge. Maybe you get a job and try to get out on your own. Then you turn 21. Cool, now you can buy yourself a drink. Woohoo!! Even if you’ve managed to hold down a job and get your own place to live, I doubt it’s that “grown up” fantasy you played out in your mind as a child. Then 25 rolls around and along with that comes the beginning of your enlightenment. You don’t know shit, and neither does anyone else. There’s no instruction manual to follow along to make sure you’re doing this LIFE thing right. I spent the better part of a decade telling anyone who would listen how I couldn’t wait to turn 30. Once I was 30, other adults, mainly those in my family, would finally consider me an adult. Once I was 30, I’d finally have my life together. Once I was 30, I’d understand all of the “grown up” things life was throwing at me. Once I was 30, life would be so much easier.

HA. What a disappointment.

You know what happened when I turned 30? Absolutely nothing. Nothing changed. I didn’t wake up any wiser than I was at 29. Life was still a series of complications and celebrations, tumbling around in a bingo-ball cage and plucked out as randomly as ever. Alright, maybe 40 is the magic age of enlightenment. It sounds silly, but I was convinced. I’m turning 40 in 2020. How fitting. 20/20 is perfect vision, right? So it’s definitely gonna be my year. Everything is going to fall into place. Everything is going to be so clear. Everything is going to start to make sense.

HA. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

Nothing makes sense this year. It’s April. Spring is supposed to be a sign of new life. I feel like I’m stuck in a rut. Especially now. We’re in the middle of a pandemic. We’re living what my grandkids will learn about in a history class someday. It’s the most uncertain time I can remember. To me, this is worse than living through things like Desert Storm and 9/11. We’re told to stay home, to stay away from everyone, to keep to ourselves. This is extremely difficult for someone like me who comes from a family that gets together as often as possible. It’s hell on those of us who suffer from depression and anxiety. It’s torture to those of us who absolutely can’t stand to be locked away from the world. But more than that, it’s just downright scary. Are we overreacting? Are we not doing enough? How long will this last? Will things ever go back to normal? And what is normal anyway? The uncertainty of it all is the worst. I’m still looking for that 20/20 vision.

Here I am: 40 years old, married, two kids, full time job, family that I love and miss. Blessed. Anxious. Hopeful. Scared. Optimistic. Confused. Thankful. Far from perfect. And you know what, that’s ok. Someone once said perfect is boring anyway.

If you’ve read this far, thank you. You must be as bored as I am! Both my husband and my therapist said I needed a hobby, and after much procrastination I decided to start this blog. Much like me, it comes with no promise of perfection. Sometimes it may be funny, sometimes serious, and sometimes it may be such a clusterfuck that you just scratch your head and go back to mindlessly scrolling through social media wondering why you even clicked on this in the first place. My one and only promise is that whatever I post here will be real. This is just me, putting myself out there, trying to make sense of the craziness that exists inside my head. And maybe, just maybe, it will lead to a better vision of who I am.