45 Can’t Shake Me

Today is the last day of my 45th year on this spinning rock we call home. For the first 44 years and one month, my momma was here with me. Tomorrow I’ll wake up in the same house, but it won’t be the same. She won’t be singing Happy Birthday when I walk downstairs. There won’t be any text messages or Facebook posts from her reminding me how special I am, or that she loves me more. She won’t be waiting at the bottom of the steps with open arms to be the first to give me a birthday hug. And you know what? That really sucks!

I’m the oldest, so naturally I got to do a lot of things first when my sister and I were growing up. It just comes with the territory. But this past October, she turned 40, and she finally did something first. She celebrated a birthday without Mom here. I’m sure that’s not exactly the kind of “first” she ever dreamed of having. I tried to make it special for her. Mom would’ve made her dinner, so I did. She asked for spaghetti, so I got up early and put on a pot of sauce. I even made meatballs, because who has spaghetti without meatballs? She wanted an ice cream cake, so I sent the kids to find her one. The family all gathered around the table. We ate until we were stuffed, and then realized we hadn’t saved room for cake! We reminisced about birthdays past and memories made. More than one of us cried. Life goes on.

Mom would’ve made a special dinner for me, and a devil’s food cake with her homemade icing. It was my favorite. So, just as I did for her, my sister stepped up and handled the birthday dinner and cake. She drove to another state to get me pizza, (I know, it was only 30 miles but it just sounds more impressive when I say it this way) and she made me a delicious chocolate cake with peanut butter buttercream icing. Once again, the family gathered around the table. We laughed, and more than one of us cried. Life goes on.

Next week, my children will celebrate their 21st birthdays. It’ll be their first without their Granny. I’ll try to make it special for them, but I know they’ll be missing her just as much as I am right now. I don’t doubt for a second that she’s watching over us. I’m sure she’s got the biggest smile every time we step up and do what she always taught us that family was supposed to do. In the realm of “It’s not fair,” losing her at such a young age is the unfairest of all. It sucks. I don’t like it one bit. 10/10 do not recommend.

Life goes on. That’s what mom told me. When I’d tell her I didn’t know how to live without her, she’d remind me that she went on living without her mom. And my Mummum went on living without her mom. Because that’s what you do. You keep going. So, I’m doing the best I can to keep on living. I’m keeping my mom’s memory alive by talking about her all the time. Please don’t ever think that talking about her will make me sad. I’m already sad that she’s gone, but talking about her makes me feel closer to her. I will ALWAYS want to talk about my mom. I want to hear every story, every memory, everything she did or said that touched your life.

For my birthday, I simply ask that if you were lucky enough to know her, you leave a comment about my mom. She was the bestest greatest mommy in the whole wide world…Times ten…To the power of infinity. ❤️❤️❤️

I miss you, Mom. I love you, with all my heart and sold.